13 12 / 2011
I set up an ask box so if you guys want to comment on any post go ahead !
12 12 / 2011
Last night I was walking out to the well with Tara and I saw Matt and Steve and Dan walk by, and then following them was Tori, Kat, and Jenni. They were coming from the side of Heinz which meant they came back from smoking.
Well, this is a problem. Brit and Tara and I were not invited.
1. We paid for much more weed than Tori ever has
2. We invite them every single time we smoke
Then they came up to me, hugged me, and asked if we can all go chill in my room. That was a funny joke.
I told Brit when they left and when she met us by the well. She was just as furious as I was.
I had to go to the bathroom, so Brit came with me into the Chat, where the bathroom was. All of our friends were there eating, but I followed Brits lead and walked right to the bathroom. While we were in there, Kat, Tori, and Jenni burst in and they were all crying. Kat and Jenni were crying because of Kat being raped, which is understandable. Tori was crying over being kissed by Francis. She kept saying how this could happen to her. To You?! What about Kat and Brit?
Then we went up to our room, angry and heated. Tori came in and tried to chill but I guess she picked up on the tension and left. As soon as she did we played The Bitch Song and Another FU Song, which made us laugh.
I miss Tori, but she changed. She is more annoying. She is different.
Then Matt came in and I could tell he picked up on the tension, but he stayed. After a while of Me and Brit ignoring him, I spoke up and told him why we were pissed. He told me he smoked just with the guys on an L-ride. They took his car and smoked on the road, the girls smoked on their own. Matt had no part in their smoke sesh and he just wanted to keep it guys.
To make us feel better, Matt smoked with Brit and I, which was fun. Brit and I also made plans for tonight to smoke at Kyles. And also because Matt has his car, we are going to go to a nearby hookah bar.
We plan on talking to Tori later since she is our friend, and maybe we can get back to being BLT, but Tori really needs a reality check.
Matt slept over and I woke up to his arms tightly around me. I love it. It’s something I can definitely get used to.
12 12 / 2011
Finals week is really as horrible as it sounds. It is stressful and scary, and it is really awful how easy it is to procrastinate. It is hard to keep up and write when I have a million damn essays to do.
Tara spoke to her teacher about Brit’s problem with Brit’s consent. Brit could not bottle her troubles up any longer, and knew Francis could not get away with what he did. Shoving his hand down her pants and pinning her down, forcing his fucking dick in her mouth. It is horrible. And terrifying. The teacher spoke to the school, and they spoke to Brit. She did not want to press charges, and did not want her strict mom knowing. They promised to do whatever they could to punish Franis, but they would keep it in the school. I wonder when the rest of the school will find out, and what they will do. Will they fall for Francis’s denies and blame Brit? Or side with Brit?
They spoke to Tori too, but Tori’s situation isn’t quite as scary as what happened to Brit.
Last night our friend Kat was crying and wanted to speak to Brit. Apparently, Diego, a tall and really hot guy in our school raped her. Took it farther than Francis did with Brit. She was so shaken up and scared…but her and Brit had a long talk. I feel so fucking bad.
There has been a lot of tension between Brit and Tori, and I have had a couple negative feelings towards Tori also. Brit liked Andrew, and Tori keeps shoving herself between them, obvious flirting with him, cuddling him, sneaking off with him, leaving Brit behind. She knew Brit liked him, and that’s a violation of the girl code. Tori is still with Ernie, which makes it worse because she will get upset with Ernie over the smallest things, and then flirt and cuddle with her best friends crush. You don’t do this. Brit doesn’t have a boyfriend, and she deserves one. She deserves someone amazing.
Speaking of amazing, Matt is just that. Kind of. A bit of shit happened. Everything was just dandy, until one night…I was getting worried our relationship was too physical. It seemed every time he came over we would have sex and then he would leave. It made me feel shitty, and I felt like I cared for him a lot more than he cared for me. (looking back I can see just how wrong I was). This one night, I didn’t want to have sex. This is so cliché and girly of me, but honestly, I really just wanted to talk. I would have settled for playing video games or anything. So I told him I wasn’t in the mood and that maybe another night would be better. No. He kept kissing my neck and such until I gave in. Afterwards, I was a bit ticked off that he couldn’t just respect that I wasn’t in the mood. So I tried talking to him and brought up how different we were. I mean, we are different, way different. Sometimes too different. But when I brought it up I meant it in a good way, I guess he didn’t pick up on that.
“Oh my God, we are so different.”
“Yeah I know.” I said, hoping for something like “but opposites attract,” to follow.
“You’re so not my type, like at all.”
“….Yeah neither are you.” Except he was my type. He was a great guy. That is all my type is.
“Like, I love girls that show off their bodies. Girls that wear tight yoga pants and the UGG boots and tight tank tops…it’s so hot.”
I sat there and buried my face in my zombie pillow. I literally owned none of those things.
“So…you don’t like the way I dress?” I squeaked out.
“Well…I mean it’s okay. I’m just saying my girl wears like belly rings and shows her body off. You can definitely pull that look off, oh my God.”
FUCK YOU BRO.
Matt left after that, and that’s when Tara, Brit, and Kirsten came back. I told them what happened and like the good girl friends they are, they flipped.
“What an asshole! The girl he described sounds disgusting. That makes him look disgusting.” Brit said.
“Your style is so much better than that, Liv. You have your own style.” Tara said.
I felt better, but I still felt as if I was not good enough for Matt…or at least not as hot as he wanted me to be. I felt like compared to the girls he described, I dressed like a grandma.
I let it bother me all day. I compared myself to every fucking girl who decided to wear fucking yoga pants that day.
After classes I came back and saw Brit standing by my door. She looked flustered and panicked. “Dude…shit just happened. Me, Matt, Tori, Dan and Zach were in Zach’s room when Big Kate came to the door. She said it reeked of weed and searched the room. They found his stash and bottles and wrote all of us up.”
This was bad. This was Brit’s first offense, but it was others second or third offense.
Later that day I went on a walk with him. I told him exactly how I felt, and how I can’t be that girl he described.
“I don’t expect you to be. I like you just how you are. Yeah, I like girls that wear that, but I like what you wear too. You have your own style and I love that. I didn’t mean for it to sound like that.”
His apology was so sincere and he said everything right that I was taken back. We walked through campus and sat by the Easton Café at one of the tables. He held my hand the entire time and I could not stop smiling. I forgot why I was mad at him in the first place.
Afterwards, I went back to the room to hang out with Brit and Tara. The others went to go smoke a blunt. As much as I wanted (and kind of needed) to smoke, Brit wasn’t happy and I had to be there for her.
So last night we were on the hunt for alcohol as usual. I hit up a couple people but then Matt called and said he found a bottle. He came back with two friends, a boy and a girl and a bottle that was no means big enough for all of us. I had two shots and downed whatever wine I had left.
Feeling kind of bummed the date Matt promised me in Philly never happened, and that he brought two friends to my room without any warning or heads up. We ended up at the well, all talking and smoking cigarettes. Matt and his friends were talking and me and my friends were talking, and Kat and Brit came up and I gave Kat a huge hug. Matt was acting strange. Completely strange. His friends left to go somewhere, no clue where, and Matt stayed back with us. He pulled Bryan aside and talked to him. Then he pulled me aside while everyone went upstairs.
He started crying. TEARS. And I admit, he looked adorable crying. Oh my Bob Saget, it was a dream.
He was crying for multiple reasons.
1. The date never happened, and he was actually upset about it too! He made reservations at the Hard Rock in Philly, and his dad picked him up to late and the plans just couldn’t go through
2. His mom just had surgery and he was stressed over that
3. He THOGUHT THAT ME AND BRYAN WERE GOING TO CHEAT ON HIM. I couldn’t believe it. I am way too obsessed with Matt to ever cheat on him.
Things were great after the talk. We told each other how we cared for each other and it was reassuring to hear just how much he liked me. And we had a good weekend overall. One night (I forgot which thanks to the weed) but we got high, got the munchies, and went to the dining hall and stole an entire tub of ice cream. It had to be a foot big, at least.
What else, what else.
Since Matt is coming home with me on Friday, and he will be there for a week, I NEED to figure out how to break the news to Ryan that I have a boyfriend. I have to let him down, and this news will crush him. But I have to do this.
What convinced me to tell him was Jackie. We spoke over the phone for a while the other day and honestly, I needed that. There are a lot of days Jack and I don’t talk much and it’s because I get really distracted up here, but I am always missing her. She has to be the one person from Long Island that I wish stayed with me. I need to have more long talks with her, it is the best therapy for me because Jackie knows me better than I know myself. She just gets me, which is rare.
05 12 / 2011
Yesterday after I wrote that post Brit came in my room in tears. She wasn’t okay from the Francis experience and I don’t think she will be for a while. She was taken advantage of. And I feel so angry because I could have stopped it. I could have prevented this from happening.
There they were right in front of me. He was kissing her, she was giggling and saying no. I know she meant it though, despite her smile. I knew she was screaming behind it. Did I? Maybe I didn’t.
I should have stayed.
I should have let go of Billy’s hand as he pulled me out of the room.
I should have helped my best friend.
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.
Every now and then we will forget about what happened. But then Brit or Tori will get silent and start tearing up. Tori is mostly better from the Ernie situation. She plans to tell him tonight. She already tried to, but he was out with a friend. She’s nervous, I can tell by looking at her, but she thinks he will understand. He was forceful, and it was just a kiss. It meant absolutely nothing to her. If I as Ernie I would understand and would not be mad, but I would be scared for Tori.
I love my friends. And I hate to see this happen to them. In a way, I hate how I got out of this scar-free. I wish I could just take all their shit and I’ll suffer instead.
Shit like this really makes me thankful for Matt. He is an amazing guy. He came back to campus yesterday and unpacked in his castle dorm and immediately went to my room to see me. He brought me a giant stuffed animal Cartman. His reason for this was when I lost Ryanbear. That bear is my life, I felt so empty when I lost that bear, I am not joking. There was a hole in my heart!!!!! Okay not that serious, but still serious. I missed the fucking bear, and would constantly complain about it. Then one day when it was just the two of us smoking a joint at the bench he brought up if I liked South Park at all. I said I did, and he asked what my favorite character was.
I thought it was weird but I shrugged it off.
Now I have a giant Cartman stuffed animal that takes up most of my bed, just like Matt.
I really like him.
And yes we are saying I love you again. I feel it. I do.
Things are about to get x-rated. We had GREAT sex last night. Oh my god. He left and Brit slept over on our floor and her me and Tara were amazingly hyper until 3 am when we finally crashed.
Then this morning I woke up to someone kissing my back. I swear I thought it was Brit, but I turned around and saw Matt smiling and standing over me. “Good morning, Princess.”
We cuddled…and then made out…and then had sex (once Brit left). Then I had to get up and go to my morning class.
So today was a good day. I wore a pretty dress with tights and boots and basically had a good day.
Me and Brit ran up and down Heinz looking for her missing Christmas tree. Tara and I got interviewed history trivia questions by a cute guy. And now its Shiv, me, and Tara bored as hell in my room.
04 12 / 2011
Okay, this has been a crazy weekend. Currently it is Sunday morning, I woke up in my clothes I wore last night, makeup smeared down my cheeks, my hair everywhere (but that’s nothing new) and a hangover.
Because I smoked three bowl packs of strong ass weed, then went upstairs to my dorm and I lost count of how many shots of blueberry vodka I took. I also had half a beer from a nice girl I met last night whose name I can’t remember.
But I guess I should start telling you about Friday first. To be honest I don’t remember much of Friday… I went to classes, and after I came back to Matt sleeping in my bed, which was a nice surprise. He takes my entire bed though but it was nice to come home and cuddle after classes. Then we had sex (yes we actually did it, finally), and then we smoked a joint. Before sex I locked the door and forgot my roommate took my key because she lost hers. Whoops. So after we smoked I got locked out of my room. Matt went to go smoke again with Dan and go play Skyrim in his dorm. I hung out in Brits room for a bit and watched her cut Tori’s hair and then went and got an RA. Once finally in my room, Tori, Brit and I tried chalking our hair, and it worked WONDERFULLY. I wish I took pictures of my hair because I looked “like a hippie sex machine.” For those of you who don’t know what chalking is, chalking is when you wet strands of your hair, tease pastels (any color) up and down the wet strand, and then let your hair dry and boom you have temporary color in your hair until you decide to wash it. Tori, Brit, and I went all out. Our ends were colors of the rainbow and looked positively sick.
Once we finished our hair, we got dressed up. We all dressed up pretty sexy, and I don’t think I ever dressed that hot in public before. I wore a black tiny romper that was cream on bottom with black lace over. I wore black boots with it that ended almost to my knees. I looked really fucking good, and I felt pretty good. Tori and Brit looked just as hot and with Dan, Lauren, Steven and Danielle we set out for Temple.
At Temple we met up with Matt who left before us to meet up with his friends. We met at a house party and at first I couldn’t find him. I thought we were at the wrong party. But we found him at the keg, pumping it for everyone. The party was decent. The upstairs had jello shots of three different flavors and a beer pong table. Downstairs was blacklight with a DJ, another beer pong table, and the kegs. It was a good party, but after two hours it grew more and more crowded so we left. Matt pre-gamed and drank way too much (he also smoked two fat blunts at the party) and was practically falling down. We decided against finding another party since we were all pretty drunk.
I, Tori, and Brit all took turns making out outside the party when we were waiting for everyone to leave, and I find I really like kissing girls. I’m like fucking Katy Perry or something. She wasn’t kidding, girl’s lips are soft. But I still prefer kissing guys, and I still prefer Matt over Brit, but my drunken alter ego Gladys wouldn’t say the same. At one point, I was kissing Brit and Dan was standing nearby (he is used to us acting White Girl Wasted) and I didn’t notice but a pack of late twenty-year olds were walking by and one tapped Dan on the shoulder and said to him “My friend loves this.” So fucking creepy but I guess that’s what happens when drunken biddies make out in public.
So we get on the train and I fall asleep on Matt the entire way. We eventually get back to the dorm (this is when my memory is a bit foggy) and Matt and I kick everyone out (because Tara was sleeping) and we cuddled. I woke up at 3:30 with him behind me and his arms wrapped around me. It was the comfiest I have ever been. I felt so safe! But anyway, his phone went off and he had to get back to the castle, so he left.
Saturday was a nice day. Tara and I got breakfast and was easting outside when a random girl came up to us, told us she was a recently accepted student and would want to see what the dorms looked like. Sucks for her because we lived on the third floor and that’s a lot of stairs. We brought her up, and she saw our room. Instantly I dove for our pet dildo on the floor and kicked it under the bed. For the record, his name is Alexander the Great.
After Tori, Brit and I dressed up really cute in dresses and had a photo shoot around campus with Dan as our photographer. He is just as good as professionals and has crazy camera equipment. The pictures came out insanely good, and I’m SO excited for them to be on Facebook. I need a new default.
Then we went back to the dorm and relaxed while Tori got ready for her dance recital, which we attended. She was amazing and did very well. It was a good show overall, and before it started we ran around campus picking whatever flowers we could find and made a bouqet for Tori. I filmed the entire recital and she was so estatic afterwards. It was nice to see. Then we met up with Bryan, Tara, and Taylor and we all were pretty hyper. I remember going on the field, getting on all fours, and yelled moo. This was because I was the cow and Taylor was teaching Brit how to cow-tip. They started out slow and then sprinted, knocking me over mid-moo. Yes, it was video-taped.
We went out to the bench and smoked, then drank, like I said earlier, and then the night got intense. In my dorm building was a blacklight party. So we all got dressed up in white and made our way down there. Brit and I made out again, but this time I forgot we were surrounded by people we knew, and SHIV was standing RIGHT NEXT TO US. Oh my sweet Jesus…what did I do…..
I also made out with Tori. And I think it was multiple times. I get lonely when Matt isn’t there. (He was back home for the night.) the party was fun, I grinded Dan AND HOLY CRAP I GRINDED WITH SHIV ALSO. Oh my….its all coming back to me now. This is a new low….oh Jesus…
Okay so while I was grinding Dan, Brit was dancing with me, and Francis was grinding her. Now…this was a little weird because Francis is a very tall, very muscular black dude. And Brit is tiny and white. But anyway, they were grinding and it was a fun party. Now things get weird because Brit, Tori, and I tend to stumble away and separate whenever we are drunk, which result in a lot of drunk calls throughout the night saying “where are you! I miss you!”
But things took a turn for the worst. And my memory is definitely foggy so I’m going to be short on this.
SOMEHOW I was in my room on Tara’s bed with Billy. Nothing was happening it was strictly friendly. But Francis and Brit started making out (On my bed. Ew.) and Billy said maybe we should leave, so we did and we went to his room.
According to Brit, while we were gone, she kept saying no over and over to Francis. He wasn’t listening. He was extremely forceful, and pulled down his pants and practically made Brit give him head, and shoved his hands down her pants. She kept saying no.
They never had sex. It never got to that point because Tori walked in and they went down to the blacklight party. Everyone cleared out and Francis locked Brit and Tori in the room and started making out with Tori. This is bad because Tori is in the best relationship with Ernie. We ended up on the bench outside with Tori bawling her eyes out. She kept saying how she fucked everything up and called her friends back home. I’ve never seen anyone cry that much. Me and Brit hugged her all night, and when it was time to get back inside I called Shiv and he let us in.
We put Tori to bed, all three of us stumbling with mascara running down all of our eyes. I missed Matt the entire night. He was my safety net, and he would protect Brit and Tori also.
Oh my God. I grinded Shiv.
30 11 / 2011
Normal college kids on a Tuesday night study, have homework parties with friends, maybe at most have a cigarette….What I did last night was puke my brains out all over the floor. It reeked of wine and weed. It went on the carpeted floor, on Britinis charger, my fucking IPod, and some in the trash can.
This sad, pathetic scenario started with the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show. Me, Tori, Brit, and Tara put it on and watched the fashion show filled with envy. “I wish I looked like that,” we kept saying over and over as each model strutted down the catwalk in perfection.
“Liv, I think it’s time we had ourselves a classy night.” Tara suggested, talking about the red Merlot wine I had brought back to campus.
I agreed, and poured everyone a glass. I put the cork back in the bottle and hid the bottle in my trunk that’s filled with weed, my bowl, my flask, and a lot of empty bottles and cans. I had three glasses of wine, and I felt fine. I did, everything felt normal.
Matt and Dan entered with a fat, rolled blunt. Their eyes were instantly glued to the fashion show and I had to really try and hide my jealousy as I watched Matt intently watch the beautiful, perfect models smiling flirtatiously back at him. Once Matt said, “Damn…” I took my pen and wrote “skinny” once again on the side of my middle finger. I’m an extremely jealous person.
So Kirsten, Dan, Matt, Tori, Brit and I went to the bench behind the library and lit up. Not feeling anything from the wine, just feeling shitty from watching the Victoria Secret Angels, I took large hits from the blunt.
Remember when I got way too high and scared from Pappys? Well it happened again. I realize it wasn’t the weed, since I smoked the same weed the night before and I had the perfect high. No, Pappys and this time was because I drank alcohol and then smoked.
Weed = Good
Alcohol = Good
Weed + Alcohol = Great
Alcohol + Weed = Horrible fucking time
This isn’t for everyone, but when I woke up this morning I was curious and looked it up and apparently a lot of people have this problem. I have to learn from this.
I left everyone still smoking at the bench. Kirsten walked me up after I said I felt shitty and had to leave. I knew Matt knew something was wrong because he kept rubbing my back and asking me what was wrong. I replied the standard lying answer, “I’m just tired.” He didn’t buy it, but it kept him from asking again.
I went straight to my bed. Tara was doing her homework and Kirsten let her know I wasn’t feeling well. I started to feel better, and tried going to sleep, except Tori, Brit, Dan, Charlene (I don’t know why she was there since she wasn’t at the bench) and Matt came in my room. Matt lied down on the bed with me and played with my hair. He was talking to me, but I was too fucked up to hear what he was saying. Time was speeding up and slowing down again, the walls looked like they were moving, and I kept tricking myself into seeing things. One second my friends were in the room, and the next they were gone.
With my face in my pillow I asked Matt if everyone was still here or if they left.
“They left five minutes ago.” Matt laughed. Apparently they all said goodbye to me. “Turn over, I’ll give you a back massage.” He said. Matt was amazing at back massages, just another plus about him. I turned over more, but as soon as I moved my head I felt like nausea crushed me like a giant wave. “Ow.” I said, and Matt asked what happened. “I feel like I’m going to puke.” I whined. I felt Matt tense up, and ask me if I was okay, if I needed anything, if I needed water…I told him to leave.
“No offense, but I don’t really want to kiss you right now.” I moaned.
“Yeah, of course.” He laughed, and kissed the back of my head.
Once he was gone Tara asked if I was okay and I asked for the trash can. Ten minutes later, when Brit came back in the room for her laptop, I puked.
I don’t know how I fell asleep. But I did somehow. And somehow I remembered to set my alarm clock.
I woke up feeling like a Disney Princess. I felt amazing for some reason. Matt came in before my morning class to see how I was. I didn’t have makeup on and I tried to not let that bother me. He asked how I was and I explained how mixing was a bad idea for me. He agreed and walked me to class. On the stairwell he brought up when I told him how I didn’t want to kiss him last night. I said I didn’t mean it offensively and he knew that and laughed about it but still found it “cute but offensive”. He takes a lot of things personally.
I got lunch with Tara, Brit, and Tori and as soon as I was halfway through my meal I became sick again. I stopped and now I am in film class fighting off mild nausea and lightheadedness.
Matt wanted to smoke just the two of us after my last class today, which I am excited for. We don’t get a lot of time alone. Then I want to shower, watch a movie with Bryan for our film class, and then relax until I don’t give a fuck.
Oh, also Monday Matt and I tried to have sex. I say tried because guess what happened? Yup. I think he has been smoking way too much weed. And he agrees. He was realllllllly pissed about not being able to get hard, and he wants to cut back but I don’t see it happening. It wasn’t all bad though. Since we had kicked everyone out of the room and had it all to ourselves, we cuddled (still naked) and talked the entire time. He gave me a massage and it was just a nice time regardless of not having sex.
One thing that I notice is we don’t say I love you anymore. I know if I say it he will say it back, but I want him to say it first.
28 11 / 2011
Being home for break really made me remember that me can’t stand a lot of people back home. Seriously. There was a select few that I like and could take for more than ten minutes. I hung out with a bunch of friends, old friends that I haven’t seen (and talked to) in months. It was a bit weird.
Things with Ryan went okay. We talked, and hung out once or twice. We walked Milo and he brought over deli. It was just like old times, except we weren’t a couple. There was no more Livy and Ryan. And even typing that out made my stomach sinks. But it is true, there was no more us anymore. And Ryan wasn’t grasping that. He was holding on to every last piece of us. He loves me. I know he does. But this has to happen.
I try to force myself to remember all the bad times with Ryan so that I wouldn’t want him anymore. But for the last couple months of us together he was perfect. But not perfect the way I feel with Matt.
Over break I hated being so far from Matt. Which is weird because only a month or two ago we had no idea the other existed. And that’s a weird thought. If I never went to Arcadia, if I never became friends with Dan, then I would not have known Matt at all. He would just be some kid from Pennsylvania.
Texting was hard with him. We would run out of conversation, and I would constantly wonder what he was doing. I am still getting to know Matt, and that means my trust was still developing also. I have no reason not to trust him; in fact I should have his trust after he forced me to do trust falls. It happened like this:
It was after we smoked at the picnic bench behind the library. Everyone ran ahead of us, walking back to Heinz. As usual, me and Matt took our time, cuddle-walking and talking. Somehow trust falls came up and he decided to do one. I caught him, barely able to hold his weight. Then he made me do one. I couldn’t.
“Just fall back. That’s it.” He was holding his hands out in the air only a foot or two behind me. But it felt like he was a mile away. I just kept picturing my head cracking like an egg into pieces on the pavement.
“No, you really don’t understand. I can’t just fall back. I physically can’t.” Many summer camps have shown me that my legs physically will not let me do a complete trust fall. They will bend and catch my fall before the person I’m supposed to be trusting catches me. It was reflex.
“No, you can physically; you are having problems mentally, because you have trust issues.”
“No I do not!” I said, but I knew that was bullshit. He knew it was bullshit. I don’t trust anyone-ever.
He grabbed my shoulders and I started to lean in closer for a kiss but he said, “Just trust me.” And pushed me back around to fall.
“I do!” I think I do. I mean, he hasn’t done anything to make me not trust him. But then again, it’s only been two months knowing him.
“Then let me catch you.” His voice grew sterner. “Just close your eyes, and roll back on your heels all the way.”
I positioned my body, getting my feet in a comfortable position, placing my hands criss-crossed on my chest, closed my eyes, and took a deep breath, slowly rolling my heels back until….
And my leg caught me before Matt could.
I heard him sigh.
“I’m sorry! I really can’t help myself.” I was starting to get frustrated. I really couldn’t help it, why couldn’t he just let this go? Why couldn’t we go back inside and play Xbox?
He took a step closer, put his hands on the side of my face and pulled me in for a kiss, first on the lips and then the forehead. “It’s important that you trust me. You can trust me.” He whispered. And with that, pushed me lightly, making me try again.
I guess this was so important to him because he had been cheated on. One of his ex girlfriends cheated on him for 6 whole months. What a fucking idiot whoever she is.
I positioned myself once again, took another deep breath, and rolled back on my heels…
Nope. Once again my leg caught me, but this time later than the other attempts. This time my back landed on his hands a millisecond after my leg caught me.
“Almost. Again.” He demanded. He wasn’t joking around. He was taking this seriously, and I felt as if he was a football coach getting frustrated.
This time I stiffened my legs and pressed my knees together as if a rope was tied around them. I inhaled a big gulp of air and rolled back on my heels until I fell.
I fell right onto his arms. He was my safety net. He gently pushed me back on my feet and instantly I spun around to him.
“Finally! You did it!” He smiled, looking a tad relieved.
“I’ve never done that before!” I felt a rush of adrenaline mix with the THC in my system.
“It’s because I got you to trust me.”
So I should trust him. I mean he wants me too. So I should.
Tara and her mom drove me home yesterday, and after five hours of straight traffic, we got back to campus. During the drive, Tara and I heard the Jets won, so I put on my Jets jersey and Tara put on her Jets shirt.
During the entire drive I texted Justin Gomez. Three nights ago, Justin texted me randomly. It was okay I don’t mind talking to him. But I did mind the topic of our conversation. First off, it’s never good when a guy who had (has) a crush on you asks you how your guy is.
“So how is Matt?” Justin texted.
“Not gonna lie, when you started ignoring me it sucked. And Matt lied to me to my face about you two. It fucking hurt what you did to me. And what makes it worse was he had a fuck buddy right before you.”
This made my stomach drop instantly. I mean, yeah the girl was before me, but I couldn’t help it. I was high, and reading this made me paranoid. Justin told me it was some girl from his hometown who would visit him and they would fuck.
“This was before he swiped you though.” Justin said.
I freaked. I was the new fuck buddy. We were unofficial.
“I’m not going to get involved….just don’t trust him.”
After a restless night, I texted Brit and Tori what happened. They called Justin’s bullshit.
“Liv, believe me, after the things he said to me about you, you are definitely not a fuck buddy.” Brit said. And it made me feel a hell of a lot better.
Instantly back on campus, I felt at home. I felt comfy and relaxed, and so glad to be back. Tara and I unpacked and decorated our room for Christmas. We like to mess with Bryan, and have an entire wall of his Bro Court papers, him as a turkey, and a list of his hobbies: smoking black and milds, writing papers, listening to music. That’s it. So we printed out a picture of him and put cotton balls and construction paper and made him look like Santa, or Buzza Claus. We put it on our door and this morning we woke up to him banging on our door yelling “The fuck is this!?”
We have our Charlie Brown tree, our stockings, and other decorations. I also brought back a giant, (and I mean giant) bottle of red wine, and Stoli Blueberry vodka (no one here has drank it before and neither have I so hopefully this goes well).
Once I saw Matt again I felt like a huge weight was lifted. We instantly went back like nothing happened. Tori, Brit and Tara hung out in the room on their laptops and talked while Matt and I cuddled (and made out) on my bed. I told him what Justin said even though Justin had told me not to tell him. I did anyway. I asked Matt if he spoke to Justin at all, and he said no. Then I told him what Justin said and I said how he made it seem like it I was the new fuck buddy. Matt got angry, but I made him pinky swore he wouldn’t say anything to Justin.
I’m in my film class now. And I don’t care for this at all. I just care for my English classes. I just want to finish this class, go to my next class, finish that, and then take a shower, take advantage of Cyber Monday, get pretty and then see Matt and everyone. And smoke some ganja. Fuck yeah.
23 11 / 2011
I guess it’s like father like daughter. I mean, my dad dated Moria, a crazed druggie who would not let him go after he dumped her. Her life turned to shit. She drove drunk and crashed, lost custody of her kids (one who still gives me the evil eye when I bump into her) and turned to heavy meds. My druggie is of course Ryan. I woke up yesterday and see his car parked in the crack house’s driveway only two doors down from my house. Jimmy and Jackie warned me they were worried about him and what he was doing over there. Jimmy suspects he is back on Oxys and one night he tried to buy Molly off of Jim. I really can’t help but feel like I am guilty. I also don’t know what it was, but seeing his car drive right past my house and go to that fucking house made me sick to my stomach. For the longest time after I felt so on edge. I wanted him to go home, to stop fucking up his life. He was so young and he was so amazing. I know it’s not my fault that he was doing this, it is his own fault. But no matter what people tell me I can’t help think it was my responsibility.
Last night he texted me asking to have lunch. He’s been having serious stomach problems and has been to the ER a lot. He said last night his new stomach pills were working and he wanted to eat with me. I agreed, feeling bad. I don’t know if I will actually do it. It makes me scared because I don’t want to fuck anything I have up with Matt. I don’t know if I should tell Ryan about Matt…..Fuck. I just wish Matt was here. I would feel so much better. Knowing Ryan I hope he doesn’t just show up without calling.
Last night my dad took my sister and I to the Reel Big Fish concert. They were playing at a new venue in Huntington Village, which is great since it is so close and they have all these big bands playing there. So much easier than going to the city. And the venue is JUST like the ballrooms and venues in the city, but cooler. They did a great job. And Reel Big Fish did an amazing job. As expected.
I don’t like being home. I want to go back to college.
20 11 / 2011
Last night I tried to sleep on the stairs because I was so drunk and those stairs were so damn comfy. Matt wouldn’t let me. He had to pick me up by the belly the same way I pick up my dog Milo.
So this weekend was pretty nice. Friday night Tara and I were DESPERATE for alcohol. You know, since we are at a college you would think parties and alcohol would be easy to find. Hah, well not at Argaydia. At Arcadia, it’s like a fucking treasure hunt. But we managed to buy a good amount of beers for a really good price. How? Billy. I guess flirting with him all those nights paid off, and I guess he doesn’t hold a grudge that I agreed to go out on a date with him only to completely ditch him for Matt. Hey, the heart wants what the heart wants.
So I got pretty drunk Friday. Me and my group ended up stumbling around campus, yelling, stumbling, and trying to sleep on Beaver Beach. The usual.
Then Saturday Kirsten came back to campus with plenty of handles. We went through those handles, and ended up even more wasted than Friday. We played Kings, went to a comedy show where we were so loud the guy called us out. I didn’t like how everyone turned to look at us so I yelled “Everyone turn around, what the fuck!!!” Whoops. Instantly regret that one. The whole room laughed and turned, but damn, I ‘m a vulgar woman. Then after the show, my horny Kirsten got the comedian to sign her boobs. She posted the picture on facebook and somehow the comedian tagged himself on her boob. They friend requested each other and he called her, completely stoned. She has a plan to bang him next weekend.
Matt joined us after partying at Temple because he is the only one who has money for it and he knows a lot of people there. We have serious Temple plans soon. I’m excited. I remember one Temple Party, I was drunk in this basement with backlights and people would bang their fists on the pipes above their heads as they danced. It would sound like a really loud bass to whatever song was playing, making the whole place shake, and the floor above us (which was where the beer pong, bathroom, and bongs were held). It was pretty epic. The parties usually have Jungle Joose and it’s pretty cool because when you are done with one party, you leave and walk a block or two until you hit another party. I grinded Matt all night once at the backlight basement one. Temple taught me many things, how to grind a boy is one of them. Thank you Temple.
Now it is Sunday. I cleaned, did laundry, did a face mask, and now I am waiting for my girls to get out of work and dance class and then we are going to Pappys. Pappy is a 21 year old who lives off campus. He has parties every single weekend. Don’t let his name fool you; he isn’t a creepy grandpa like I originally thought. His name is something long and complicated so everyone shortened it to Pappy. I haven’t been to one of his parties yet, since typically you need an invitation. Luckily, Brit met him at work and hit it off with him so well that me, Brit, Tori and whoever we bring do not need to pay when we go to his parties.
Tomorrow I will be going home. I’m excited but also I do not want to leave at all. I like what I have going here. I like my classes, my friends, and most of all, having Matt to cuddle every night. But I am very excited to see all my old friends. So many people said they can’t want to hangout, and I guess I’m excited for a laid back week of getting drunk and playing catch up.
Last night Matt and I finished off the night with a fat blunt with Mark, Zach, Kirsten and her friends. It was around 4 am. Then we went to my room and slept. It was really nice. We cuddled all night and I love cuddling him because he wraps his legs and arms around me, not too tight, but enough for me to feel completely safe. Its like as soon as he hold me, I feel relaxed and protected. I always hold on to his arm because he has gigantic muscles. Huge ass muscles. Muscles I’ve only seen my dad and Uncle Ritty have…which is kind of weird to relate them to Matt but maybe thats why I like Matt. I just KNOW that my family and friends back home are going to absolutely adore him. I know this because he reminds me so much of them. Its a relief since no one, and I mean no one accepted Ryan. Its nice to have someone I don’t need to be ashamed of.
Matt said he was going to visit Christmas break. I kind of hope he would visit Thanksgiving break but we’ll see. I can’t wait to show him Long Island. I seriously am so giddy thinking about it.
18 11 / 2011
I haven’t really been in the mood to write, so excuse me if this feels forced. It’s because my period makes me not want to do anything except eat and lie in bed and watch really bad TV. But I can’t do that, so here I am in film class. I tried dropping this class because it’s so hard, (who knew a film class would be hard) and I can’t. I’m stuck. Fuck.
So what happened…lets see.
The New York City trip went well. I wish Matt came since he has never been to New York, but I walked around with Ashley, Kirsten, Becca, Brit and I. We went to Forever 21, Toys R Us, Times Square, and then met back up with the class and saw Wicked. Shiv kept eyeing me the entire time as if he wanted to talk and be friends, but he is just way too crazy to be my friend. I can’t keep up with him and his bullshit. Justin kept bothering me, the entire time winking and just being creepy. Getting high with him before the bus ride was weird; I like it much better when we smoke with Matt. I feel safer and much more comfy.
I also am sick of the food here. It’s all grease. Burgers, Fries, Pizza, all lovely, good food. But having it twenty-four seven seven days a week is horrible. I feel gross. So, what I started to do what on the left side of my middle finger on my right hand, I have the word “Skinny” written on in black pen. This may seem like I’m starving myself or something horrible. No, I don’t have the will power to deny food. But. Having this constant reminder makes me choose salad and sandwiches and to not eat when I have the munchies every night even though I ate an hour before. I look at it often, and so far it’s been working.
Except Matt saw it. His ex girlfriend was anorexic and his reaction shocked me. “What’s that?” he asked, and pulled my finger upwards.
“It’s nothing.” I said, trying to pull my finger back. I was so weak compared to him He had such strong muscles that even when we were cuddling it was impossible for me to escape.
“Why does it say skinny?” His voice had a kind of harshness to it.
“It’s a friend’s nickname, we were playing around.”
It wasn’t my best lie, and I could’ve sworn there was no way he would buy it…but he bought it. “Oh, cool.”
I’m fine with my legs, my face, my arms and everywhere else…it’s just my stomach that needs a tad bit of tweaking. I have to eat better, workout more, and not so much every time I get the munchies. Having the word on my finger reminds me of what I want.
Speaking of Matt, I lost my unofficial boyfriend to Skyrim. He comes every now and then for an hour or so and then leaves, and goes back to his room to play. He’s obsessed and honestly I can’t be mad because it looks absolutely amazing. I need that game. I NEED IT.
I just want to go sleep.
Okay so anyway, last night I, Bryan, Matt, Dan and Kirsten went to go smoke. We were supposed to wait for Brit and Tori, but Dan and Matt didn’t want to. I told them we should wait; knowing Tori and Brit would want to smoke.
“We already have five people on one blunt, anymore and we won’t even get high.” Matt and Dan said.
“Yeah but we should still wait.” Bryan said.
Well. This wasn’t okay.
Right after we smoked Brit and Tori called me. I told them what happened, and they got angry. I told them it was Matt and Dan, but they focused on Dan. For a while now, they have been getting fed up with Dan. He’s rude, he’s demanding, he’s bossy…It was kind of all of us that have been getting tired of him: Matt, Bryan, Brit, Tori, Tara, and I guess me. I’ve been the most tolerable of him.
So Tori called up Dan, and yelled and yelled and yelled. Dan looked positively embarrassed, and so did Matt even though he wasn’t yelled at.
Tori is totally cool with everyone else, I think she just channeled all her anger towards Dan at the next little thing he did, and shit…she sure did.
So it’s a Friday and I’m not sure what I’m doing tonight. I would love to go to Temple and get completely fucked up. I would like to get drunk in the graveyard. I would really fucking dislike ending my night sober. I will not let this happen.
I just wish I had money for Temple. I wish my friends had money for Temple. I spent so much money from my debit and I’m absolutely terrified to ask my dad for more money. (Ready for this? I spent 500 dollars in a month…)
Luckily, I convinced my mom to add money to my account without my dad knowing. Its only 150 but it’s better than the pathetic forty dollars I have on it now.